4/23/2012
My Home away from HOME – My return HOME
So on 1/20/2012 I decided in the presence of Sarah & Eric to take a
3 month fast from Community. I think I decided
this for 3 reasons:
1)
I was obsessing over Community.
2)
I felt I was the only one who really cared about
community & if I stopped working towards Community it would simply fade
away.
3)
I believe a novice discerning HOME Community
must have an extended time separated from the life of Community
Since HOME yet has neither a
tangible location nor members I felt called to take a mental separation.
These last 3 months were long & filled with an agonizing longing for
HOME. I certainly did not fast perfectly
but I strived to stop talking, reading, thinking, & planning about
Community.
Well at 9:48 am 4/20/2012, the first thing I did was read all the blog
posts that the other Community members, Sarah, Eric, Kelsey, & Molly posted
on our HOME Blog.
I was hoping this fast would end with profound new insights on life in
Community. Not sure it has.
I did however realize that all 3 reasons for my fast were good reasons …
I was obsessing. … a novice would not be
fully prepared for Community life w/o life separated from HOME for an extended
time.
3 Insights/Points that have surfaced in the 3 days since the breaking
of my fast
1)
It will be difficult for me to let go of control
of the individual/uniqueness/freedom/etc. of each member in the Community. I am drawn toward a need to control people’s
responses/personalities/desires/joys/passions & when they are not like mine
temptations to manipulate enter in. Forgive me for this & give me strength
in this
a.
Learned this point by reading the blog posts
from Jan 20, 2012 à
4/20/2012
2)
A sentiment that I so desire to always feel but
also I long/pain for those who don’t & desire that priority #2 of HOME
should be to foster this sentiment for “members” & “guest”
“HOME is where you can go without being a guest.” (page153)
“There’s always hope when you find the home where you’re
not a guest. I sincerely believe that
kind of home is found by choosing to have a personal relationship with God and fellowship
with people who also have chosen such a relationship.” (page242)
This
sentiment & quotes I found in a book I read during my fast, thinking it
would be a safe book, not dealing with Community called “Castaway Kid”
3) I
made point #2 = Priority #2 because; The one conclusion I realized today &
inspired me to make this journal entry is I believe the largest insight this
fast has afforded me. When I asked myself this afternoon, why do I want
Community so intensely, why does the longing inside me make me HOME sick?
a.
I think 3 months ago I would have had a whole
list of answers as to why: Community would be good for me, easier to live
simply, safer & more financially secure, sharing resources, easier environment
to be good, great witness to the world how early Christians lived, freer to
help more people in need, It seems like it would be tons of fun to
live/work/play/pray with my friends!!
The list would have been long.
But today the only thing & first thing that came to mind was: Why?
BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THIS FOR GOD. I want to live in Community as a gift for
God.
b.
I don’t know if He even wants this gift but I felt
I ONLY WANT TO DO THIS TO PLEASE GOD.
To HIM Be the Glory
May God continue to purify each of us and our desires!!!
ReplyDeleteJohn, just read this. Thanks for sharing. I am going to pray with some of this stuff and hopefully write more on my thoughts soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your honesty and openness with your discernment here, John. I have also had a very hard time in thinking about Community life, in different ways. I'm still trying to figure out how to articulate it, how to be open to what God is pulling me towards and where my desires truly lie.
ReplyDeleteRight now I can say it stresses me out to think about it, and though I still feel excited about the possibility of community life someday, right now is not the time. Ben and I are working hard to prioritize our time for one another, our families and the community we've been given here in Omaha and that is a real struggle already with the schedules we have. I don't think I would be able to really live with and give the proper time and love needed to foster a community right now.
You guys know me. No's are always hard for me, but this is not permanent 'no' at least not from what I can tell at this point in my life. I am sure you already could have guessed Ben and I can not commit to anything now more than keeping one another in prayer and the occasional visit or phone call. I apologize if I am wrong in assuming this, and this is a shock for anyone. I did not plan to respond in this length, at this time, or even in this form! If anyone wants to chat, I'd love to talk to any one of you about where I am at, where you're at, or any other thoughts/questions that might be stirring.
Thanks again for sharing this John; I really do appreciate your transparency. Peace and blessings to you all at the end of this school year!
Thank you Molly for your reply and honesty.
ReplyDeleteHearing & Answering the specific call God has for each of us sure is an ongoing adventure.
Molly I hope you can trust your relationship with God enough to not be too stressed out over figuring your daily calling out. God won't let you stray too far off course. A little stress can keep us on our faith toes and may be a good thing. But Molly God Loves you & is using you for His Glory.
Keep us in tune with the Joys/Praises God is doing in yours and Ben's life & any prayer requests we can lift you & Ben up!!
I praise God for all of you for inspiring me and lifting me up in prayer! Thank you.